I’m always thinking about what I want to do and now it’s time to do as the time to act will only ever be done in the now! So let’s act and be done with time!
Excuses for not acting are for the thinkers who just think! For many years I’ve been intending to write but it’s so easy to put down the proverbial pen and discontinue writing, because of an unabiding fear of how I will be perceived. Not by strangers or even people I know, but by myself.
— Kaukau (3 December 2019).
May 2015 Northcote
A couple of years ago, my eldest son Kyle, his father Boris and I were sitting at a Maccas restaurant and I lamented that I’d not led an eventful life and, Kyle stated that I hadn’t led an eventful life before moving to Australia. I corrected him and said, “since Ive moved to Australia”. He corrected me by saying that my life had been eventful for what I had done for others. Poignantly true. However, I don’t always receive thank yous and people aren’t grateful for the things I’ve done for them, in fact I’m often shunned for it. Thus, I stopped helping everyone else and started focussing on myself.
Sunday April 19 2020 – Alot had changed thanks to COVID19 and I’ve been focusing much of my energy creatively, studying, writing, gardening, DIY, taking and using my myriad of photographs, learning Te Reo, vocal practice and engaging with people in person. My entire world has changed because I have removed all mental limits and opened myself up fully to myself and thus, others.
Evolution of self and elucidating the pathways for others to see.
This blog is about how I worked through insanity and slowly began to practise my way to sanity and now my journey is pushing me to a state of no-mind where I can no longer cause problems for myself or for others. Practise makes permanent and it’s nice to be able to see through the illusions. Now all my life and professional skills coupled with my education and passions have culminated to enable me to help you see your path. It’s there in front of you ….. visit Facebook.com/kaukau.life.
There is no such thing as good times or bad times……… there are simply situations where somethings are great and one is grateful and some situations where somethings aren’t so great and ones nerves are grated! The latter applies to me 99% of the time!!!!!!!
8 March 2017
December 2019 Preston
Music is my passion and I love all genres. However, I spend very little time listening to music, as I’ve given up music for a number of years. This I aliken to ripping one’s heart and soul out of one’s body! To numb the excruciating pain, I became obsessed with my youngest son Amani’s sport.
No good comes of obsession, no matter how honourable one says one’s intentions are!
There are always repercussions.
There are always victims.
The underlying premise of pain, anger, resentment and loathing is always fear!
Fear will always make itself manifest because one invests energy into it by thinking about it!
The thing and or person that one fears the most is in the mirror.
It’s fed by the toxic thinking mind, which inhibits joy and creativity.
Who am I? I am you!
Although, this is my journey. Perhaps you’ll see yourself reflected in my footsteps and learn where to step!
December 2019 Preston
There are people who walk the talk, and people who talk the walk. Over the years, I’ve had to walk the talk of others and, in turn I’ve made my sons walk other people’s talk. Number 1 question to ask …….. why?
If you want to join something. Then join me and, share in the responsibility of being selfless. By selfless, I’m not talking about giving all that you have and are to people, who will take from you and exploit you. I can say, that doesn’t work.
What I mean by selfless, is the relinquishing of the small human mind that views everybody and everything as a problem. The persecutory mind that judges all things, including oneself. The selfish mind that fears judgement from others and stifles creativity and opportunity to prevent judgement. Again, I can say, that doesn’t work. The scared mind that hides cowering for fear of detection and admonishment, suppressing who you are for fear of retribution. Yep, that doesn’t work either.
Fear is a Pavlovian response to external stimuli or more simply, we learn to be afraid. We’re threatened as children to behave in a certain manner and any deviation, results in punishment. Quickly, children learn to be afraid and soon we teach others to be afraid. We soon graduate to comparing ourselves to others and feeling valueless in comparison. Then, to demonstrate our prowess, we learn to flay ourselves mercilessly for every perceived mistake we make. Finally, as fully fledged masters we no longer require reminders to be afraid and, we simply are. I’ve just described my entire life in a paragraph. The difference is now, I smile nonchalantly.
Now the fear that I witness in others makes me laugh. Laugh? I still have a habitual emotional and physical reaction to fear. Fear is a powerful energy that insidiously infects the environment. Think mob mentality. Thus, where once other people’s fear would’ve generated fear within myself, it is now immediately reconfigured into joy. Hence the laughter. Think, Monsters Inc, laughter is 4 times more powerful than scream. I love Monsters Inc.
I'm living as if I'm going to die!
Do I still experience bouts of anger and thus fear? I have angry thoughts without the accompanying physical emotional response, which I now step back from and examine. Today I awoke with a thought of anger about a specific person, which I acknowledged because the thought has validity. However, instead of following it down a rabbit hole and immersing myself in the thought, I discard it to be dealt with more appropriately. Or so I thought. The thoughts generally remind me that I have unpleasant matters to deal with but, the fear isn’t mine. The fear belongs to the person who I was thinking of and unfortunately, in this particular matter, there are dire consequences for the constant repetitive and unprofessional conduct. That’s another story in the telling.
Subsequent to writing the above paragraph, I left to meet with my brother Hiku, as has become customary each morning. I told him that he needed to have the second vaccine shot and he erupted in anger. Consequences for not dealing with emotions and thoughts when they arise. Lesson learned! How so? The angry thought I’d had earlier, pertained to the person classified (the word is used deliberately) as being Hiku’s case manager. My brother’s anger arose because he thought I was making him have another drug similar to the depot shot that he receives fortnightly. He has a psychological aversion to the medication and espouses erroneous beliefs, due to having schizoaffective disorder. As alluded to earlier, this is another story in the telling.
I alighted the tram with Hiku and walking back the way we’d travelled, I calmly reminded him that I’m on his side and that he’d slotted me in with the people who treat him for schizoaffective disorder. He finally understood that he had to take the vaccine because his not taking it, would be used against us, read me, as evidence that I think I know better than the treating team. The fact that I do is meaningless because I lack psychiatric qualifications. I myself have zero interest in covid, let alone the vaccine and I will not be taking the vaccine unless I need too. Read, if it becomes necessary to travel. Many may be affronted by my non-compliance but, covid is not the worse disease in the world. Greed is and, its taxpayers that are footing the bill for everything that occurs. More importantly, non-communicable disease ie heart disease, stroke and diabetes mellitus are far more severe and deadly. The covid lifestyle contributes greatly to this but, again this is another story in the telling. My brother and I held hands, chatting amicably until we reached Port Junction where my bicycle was tethered. An indigenous brother greeted us and we exchanged pleasantries before I turned and rode back to my Southbank apartment.
The moral of this story is simple, deal with emotions and thoughts and dispense of any antipathy immediately and wisely. How? I examine the thoughts and emotions and, determine the veracity of them. All thoughts and emotions spawned by habit and or anger and thus, fear are generated by mental power and dissipate quickly. Any thought or emotion that lingers for me are joyous and I’m happy to stay with them but, they too can lead me down a rabbit hole of bliss, which detracts me from all the work that I need to do. After all, I’m not Rita Skeeter with a quick notes quill that will write the words I think. Yes, I’m an ardent Harry Potter fan too and, finished watching all the videos early hours of yesterday morning.
This is what I’ve come to learn and know. Freedom is the knowledge that I can be who I am without fear of reprisal, from myself. Knowing this means the misjudgements from chained persecutory minds is no longer a concern. I no longer mind how am I am perceived or received. I know that there are unpleasant challenges ahead, such as a 17000 word assignment which I’ve been avoiding all year because I lack a research question (this pertains to a business masters that I’m undertaking). Unlike the past when I would run and bury my head in the sand or, look the other way and pray that nobody would see me. Now I face challenges with calm alacrity. Constant fear has been replaced with constant joy that is often only on simmer. However, for most of my life, it existed as a pilot light, constantly in danger of going out. Commitment phobia has diminished, as I know I’m not getting out of this alive. Thus, I’m living as if I’m going to die! What? When faced with imminent death, inconsequential rubbish is meaningless and, people tend to focus on what’s important. This differs for everyone but, my focus is trusting what I know. Sorry, I meant world peace, saving humanity and being adored by all. Yeah right, in my dreams! Suffice to say, this the meaning of freedom!
Freedom is a recipe, the ingredients are of your choosing. However, the process often requires fear.
