What I know I can fit on the end of a pin but if I hit you with the pin I’m going to have a profound impact! You’re going to be aware, so I want to be a pin injecting awareness into people

March 16 2018

Intelligence is often quantified by numbers as a measure of brain and or mind superiority. Yet, despite the number of people wielding impressively high numbers and whom are producing a wealth of products to solve a retinue of never ending issues. Very few people are at peace with themselves, let alone anyone else. Unfathomable amounts of money are squandered regularly and yet as rapidly as a solution is found, another problem is identified. This is hugely compounded by the fact that hardly anyone can look in a mirror and like or accept what they see.

I’m a person who has a few numbers to assign to my person and yet, like so many others, I contributed to the world’s problems because I suffered inexhaustibly from an incessant thinking and an overactive mind. I had a toxic mindset and was governed by many mental constructs that were extremely difficult to eradicate. Thus, I challenge the regular definition of intelligence and assign that instead to academic cleverness. Not that one needs to be academic to be clever but for those whom are influenced by numbers associated with intelligence quotients, it’s fitting.

What is the definition of intelligence?

Who you are needs no words but who you think you are requires explanation!

9 June 2018

Kaukau’s definition of intelligence is “being at peace with oneself and thus others”. True intelligence will guide one to do what is necessary to extract the best result. Things are accepted for what they are and although a story or stories may arise about a situation, there is no emotional suffering.

A fairytale ….. right?

No, but it hasn’t been easy to live intelligently. In fact, it’s been a veritable nightmare or, for unenlightened beings, normal! However, pain is a great motivator for change because, it forces one to either deal with it or the normal practice of deny, suppress, cry and suffer extensively.

What you’re willing to do based on what you think you need to do and what you actually have to do, are often, 180 degrees apart.  Why, because what one thinks is governed by ego and what one needs to do, is governed by, true intelligence.  How to tell the difference? Take a deep conscious breath,  focussing on every aspect of the inhalation process and how it fills the body, Control the exhale slowly.  Watch the thoughts trickle in …… the egoic mind rushes straight in and is all consuming.  True intelligence, hovers on the periphery and, is more of a soothing dream of knowing awareness, where one is comforted and knowledgeable.  Suffice to say, I often act like a bat out of hell! Fall over my big fat mouth, roll over and realise, fuck that hurt. Get up and do it all over again, insane right? Exactly!!!

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is img_20191115_094536991-1.jpg
Taken in Dunedin New Zealand November 2019

The picture above was taken very recently and I love that dress because I love the way I look in it. Vanity …… most certainly. However, I spent most of my life, avoiding the mirror, repulsed by my reflection, unable to like or accept what I saw, let alone accept who I was. The scars were not only physical, they were indelibly mental. Self-abuse became prolific, resulting in a lifetime of yoyo dieting, leaving behind a trail of telling stretchmarks up and down my body. Having been raised not to seek medical assistance, simple ailments such as carbuncles proliferated, exacerbated the scarring extensively. I couldn’t bear for either myself or anyone to look at my skin, let alone to see me naked. Thus, I’ve spent most of my life alone, hiding my shame, in plain sight.

What changed?

I have awoken from my slumber and realised the wreckage before me.  I shed tears for the grief and destruction that I have avenged upon the world.  Always I have vindicated the wrong that others had done to me.  But more importantly that I had done to myself.  To seek and punish, hunt and destroy my adversaries, myself and I.  I am shaken to the very core of my being, for I am sober with the consequences of my being.  Shattered and torn I am humbled to the very depths of my soul, so I bow and ackowledge the very foundations of existence for I am love, so I am found.  Be it not me to cry pity for I am strong.  Be it not me to follow the meek for I must lead trusting in the strength that I am.

1 July 2011

I got sick of the suffering caused by my mind. I recognised there was something inherently wrong with what I thought. I remember walking along Merri Creek in Northcote in 2010 and mentally screaming to myself, that I looked forward to the day, when I was no longer plagued by the self-inflicted mental torture. I used to pray for amnesia to eradicate the tortuous memories of my childhood and early adulthood. That was a long time ago and it’s been “slow but steady wins the race”! I can see the memories now and I may cry but, with no adverse emotional contextualisation.

How did I change?

I can no longer pillage my soul and reap the hearts of my fellow man.  My unconsciousness was born out of necessity to combat the unconsciousness inflicted by my human neighbour.  But I am strong enough to withstand the challenge and now I let the tide ebb as it should.  Wash away my solace and my tears and leave nothing but the base element of sand, strong in number if weak in size.  For I am not one mere individual but a composition being of billions. Who am I to discard myelf so vainly. I bid you a fond thank you for delivering me to this point in time, tarnished but true.

4 July 2011

I changed the hard way! The only way that I was going to learn what I needed to know. Destruction is the only outcome when the mind governs behaviour. Unfortunately, collateral damage means that alot of people were hurt and I’d done it  to them. Irreparable? I’d like to think not.  However, one can’t always determine what people can and will recover from.  Where does one start? At the place where one feels the most pain ….. In one’s mind which is afflicted by memories of the past and fear for the future. What would you do, if you came face to face, with your worst fears? What every normal person would do!  Run!!! Away, right?

Imagination – enter at your own risk!

God is the unfounding peace that arises when the precipitating stories diminish 

12 May 2018

Initially, it may seem that one is running away, but invariably one runs straight into the very depths of hell from whence they were escaping from. How? In one’s imagination, which initially is a safe haven. As a child, one such place of escape would be into the illustration of a children’s playground. I spent many a countless time pouring over the image, that I yearned to be able to play in. Sweet childhood innocence. Despite being the 15th child out of a total of 16, and because many of my siblings were so much older than I, we all lived in different places. Thus, I was often alone and without anyone to interact with, I would escape into my imagination often. Especially at nap-time. That began before the age of 5. At about the age of 8, due to bullying, the innocent day-dreams burgeoned into nightmares that became reality.

Neutralising the nightmares

There is no greater roadblock than the human mind …… release that and everything is acceptable and anything is possible.

18 April 2017

Fear governed my reality and after I made each of them manifest, I realised that what I had been running from wasn’t that bad. Lack of trust in myself is what the fear fed off. Once I realised that I could deal with what I had created, I began to trust myself.

Enter the spiritual guru

I am passionate about the creative elements of talent, that is consciousness. It is present in everyone and everything. It is my primary purpose to elevate creativity and thus consciousness, globally and therefore, universally.

December 2019

In 2005, the year I completed my Masters, the father of my children, had my children and I thrown out of his mother’s flat that we had been residing in. My children and I landed on my mother’s doorstep. Unbeknownst to me, she had advanced dementia that saw her living in a fantasy world of epic delusion. She believed that she owned Air New Zealand and promised my eldest son that when she passed away, he would inherit it. On other occasions, neighbours would report her standing in the street, wearing her, now my, faux fur coat on hot days, waiting to be taken to the airport. The dementia took its toll, impacting her physically because she became very thin from not eating.

In June of 2005, my mother and I attended a graduation party for one of her friends. I chatted briefly with an attending Swinburne professor, whom directed me to Eckhart Tolle and the Power of Now. What has played out over the ensuing years has been a gradual progression towards facing all my fears and eventual emancipation from them.

What Eckhart points too …….

God is not separate to us. God is us. There is no higher order being that deigns to acknowledge us on occasion. We are and have always been God. What is God …. The state of being when one is with the universe and all is as it is and thus perfect. No one person provides access to God, we can access who we are at anytime without permission or guidelines. Just by allowing ourselves to be!  Thus, I am an evolving masterpiece and I am perfect exactly the way I am in any one given moment … so is everyone and everything that exists! In this way, we change the world, planting seeds in which we as humans remedy the problems that we’ve created.  Thus intelligence which is without academic qualification emanates. The result, without human prejudice is wisdom, where there is neither good or bad, just waves that ebb and flow.

There’s nothing left to fear
When all your worst nightmares come true
I’m staying 
I’ve lost interest
I need to find love and creativity will arise
Love is not necessarily romantic love but that which arises from trusting the universe
Passion isn’t the same as lust
I love unconditionally so I don’t need any physical reciprocation. I just need to let it go and in so doing let go of all my desires, my fears, future and past

Stop resisting what is
Accept and surrender to love
Love unconditionally 
I’m drawn to love

8 June 2015

Being ok with not knowing the outcome

There is only one truth and when you know that, then all justifications, excuses and questions cease because you have true faith in the unknowable. Truth or maybe it’s fact, is simply what is without embellishment and perspective.

28 February 2018

Fear convinces us that we need to know the outcome of everything. We fool ourselves into believing that if we keep thinking about an issue, we can control the outcome. To an extent this is true. In my experiences, I’ve made many things manifest ….. both good and bad. However, the thinking is continuous and never ending. Scenarios arise in one’s mind and play out in reality. However, reality is never good enough and so begins the never ending spiel of what went wrong and why it’s wrong. Before one knows it, everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. Paranoia of people working against one and fear kick in. Fear of what? Fear of loss! Loss of what? Everything that one holds dear, family, employment, property, position, power, anything of value. Anything of mental or mind value.

Where we are now

I’ve accepted the unconscious choices that I’ve made and, now that I’m aware, I live consciously guided by true intelligence. In turn, I shall guide others with love, which is not a limited emotion, dependent upon either expectation or reciprocation. Rather, love is a state of being, a limitless and inclusive energy that should never be filtered or exclusive.  However, one may be exclusively sexually, physically and emotionally intimate with another party or parties.

May 2019 Middle Park

Be the unknown potential

1 May 2017

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: