Self-trust!

Habbe and I @ Christchurch Airport November 2019

In 2005, the year that I undertook my masters, my children and I, moved in with my mother afflicted by dementia and, I went through the custody process in the Family Law Courts of Victoria. I learnt one fundamental truth that I had failed to see previously. Self-trust was greatly diminished and years later, I now know that it was due to a lack of confidence.

In 7 months I developed Armadillo armour that governed my competitive and arrogant behaviour for 14 years. David Guetta and Sia’s song “Titanium” aptly frames my mindset and now I am brave enough to see the shortcomings of such a mindset. Huh! I aptly justified the behaviour premised on having waded through malice and violence from Boris, taking on caring responsibilities for my mother, enduring violent altercations with my brother afflicted by Schizophrenia and, limping through to complete my course. Thus, I learnt to trust that I could get things done under pressure. Everything I have done as a subsequence, is based on that year. Quickly however, I actually came to need pressure to perform and, thus I created a lifestyle that augmented this. Under fire, I would remain calm and systematically work out what needed to be done. It would take starvation and an increased personal workload ie caring for other people’s children without financial support, compounded by a colleague who I was supposed to be job-sharing with, who prided himself on being lazy, to send me over the edge.

I will lay it all on the line and bleed

I will sacrifice everything realising

Working on the daily grind for years

Sweat, determination mixed with my tears

Partial chorus – I am breath (February 15 2015)

The latter is clearly a shortcoming, as was my inability to complete my studies at Otago University, due to it being too easy. I’ve spent the better part of 8 months looking for a job and thanks to JT O’Donnel on LinkedIn who runs “Work it Daily”, I’ve come to learn more about my shortcomings. That coupled with an assignment comparing managers, leaders and governance, I’ve been seriously looking at my working attitudes, perceptions and behaviours. In one week, I’ve learnt more and thus, been more productive than I have for the other 7.75 months. I watched several videos and took notes and then watched the game changer video. The video where one asks oneself, if they want a job, a career or a calling. I have been looking for jobs which I had experience to undertake but no interest. However, I have been blogging for a couple of months and I”m amazed at how easily the words flow onto the computer screen. Throughout the years, I’ve always known that writing has been my saving grace. Ever since, Mr McGough asked me as a ten year old, if I would write when I was older and when I had shrugged my shoulders, he stated he would read what I wrote.

Imagination – salvation or folly?

Reading is how I staved away boredom in my childhood and, I did so avidly. In my late teens I composed poetry but that was discarded when I left for Melbourne. In Melbourne, I ceased to write and read and, I justified this change because I wanted to focus on my studies. Occasionally, I would buy Bryce Courtenay and Wilbur Smith’s books, whom I commenced reading as a child. In fact, Wilbur Smith’s Wild Justice was the first novel I read as a 12 year old and I’ve read all his books. I loved his African sagas but the novels about Taita were disappointing. The movie “The Power of One” is what convinced me to read Bryce Courtenay’s books and I loved all but the ending in his last book, the “Jack of Diamonds”. Understandably, due to his impending death, it was a little rushed. The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum was another book I read that year and, I recall the disapproval from one of my teachers for reading adult fiction. During Kyle’s first year of school, I read all of Robert Ludlum’s book, except the Bourne series, as they were constantly reserved by other library members. At one stage, I had read and returned so many books that the system didn’t recognDise that I still had a dozen or so books in my possession, which I subsequently read and returned. All the books were the same, a lone spy against the world…. the first 4 or 5 were fine but after 30 or so books, the story ran stale. Although, I did enjoy the books that his children cowrote with other authors after his death.

Self-trust, self-reliance and distrust of others features heavily in all these books. The latter is a common theme throughout my life! Self-reliance is what made me develop self-trust.

I know what you’re saying

I know cos I heard

There’s more to speech

Than what you say with words

I got that tone

I see your pitch

I’m not stupid or blind

Though you think it bitch

Partial excerpt from verse 2 – We cry We cry (May 1 2015)

Childhood friends did influence my reading material and I read Enid Blyton’s Famous Five. I loved her first series but couldn’t get into the second series or the Secret Seven. I also read Sweet Valley High for a year or so but, they typified American culture and I wasn’t a fan. I’m still not a fan, except for Science Fiction, Sesame Street and the Muppets. I love the original Star Wars movies, the first 2 Terminator movies, Star Trek and childhood animation Dungeons and Dragons. I noticed the latest Terminator Movie being advertised for rent yesterday at Northcote Plaza and I was disappointed. Despite all but the Sam Worthington movie, being rubbish, I would’ve loved to have watched Dark Fate in the cinemas with my eldest son Kyle. I had watched the original Terminator movie last week and I still think it’s awesome.

Unwittingly, I read a lot of rubbish such as Mills and Boons and I understand why my teacher disapproved of reading adult content. I can laugh now as I understand the gravity of how information shapes one’s mind. All the content of the books I’ve read, outline malevolent distrust and that’s something an impressionable young mind should not be exposed too. Better to learn it in person, LOL.

Thank you for the music …..

In 2005, I realised that I wanted to sing and all the natural highs I’ve experienced to date are as a result of music. Recognising that all the musical lows, actually all the lows I’ve ever experienced were as a result of a toxic mindset. Now that the latter has been eradicated and I continue to drift as I did in 2019, the need for self-trust is clearly evident. The penny has dropped once again and I realise instead of getting a job to support my creative pursuits, I’m going to follow my creative calling. The drawback is that a job provides much needed funds. Whereas, creativity isn’t paying dividends and after many years of being a highly productive being, boredom weighs heavily. Boredom?! Creativity arises out of presence and as I’m not an enlightened being, I’m not in a constant state of presence. Thus, I’m still afflicted by the intracies of the human mind, in which boredom features. I continue because I implicitly trust who I am and the lessons that I’m learning. What to do! Operate intelligently, be completely confident and trust thyself!!!

And there ain’t nothing better than the quest

To determine who’s the best

And I cannot tell a lie

I’ve had fears and I have cried

But in this moment I can attest

That now I’m at my best

And today if I should die

Then I’ll be free and I will fly

Partial verse – I am breath (30 August 2016)

Published by Kaukau Karauria

Living life confidently

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