I was cycling down Flinders St, heading to Queensberry St, where I turn left to head to South Melbourne. At the intersection of Flinders and Elizabeth Sts, I had the green light but there were a few pedestrian stragglers crossing over toward Flinders St Station. One young woman was using her phone and completely oblivious to my presence, whilst a young couple who were a few steps behind her, had their eyes glued to me. I served to avoid them, oblivious to whether there was a car behind me, relying on the couple’s focus of attention to indicate the presence of a vehicle to my right.
I was struck by the thought of the young woman making me responsible for avoiding her. I realised very quickly all the different ways that we make our wellbeing someone else’s responsibility. Driving whilst intoxicated. Driving whilst operating a device, including programming the car. Reneging on an agreement and expecting someone else to continually prompt or do it themselves. Refusing to contribute equally. Refusing to help ourselves and making excuses for it. Also, blaming someone else for our mental state ie being angry about what someone does. The list is exhaustive!
If we operate on the premise that we are an organisation, where we are responsible for managing and leading ourselves. Then do we blame customers when they don’t use our products because they don’t know about them? No. Do we argue with customers and expect them to continue using our services? No. Do we run after customers and blame them for the poor product or service that we provide? No. If you answered yes, you’re either very delusional or so good, people tolerate your shit. However, they probably hate your guts. Let’s just say in the past, alot of people hated my guts. Narcissistic arrogance. Let’s just say, in they past, alot of people were justified in hating my guts. For those of you who remember Seinfeld, think Soup Nazi. He was my mentor. Note, WAS. I replaced him in 2005 with Eckhart Tolle.
Anyway, in the daily menagerie of normal life, expecting someone else to be responsible for our safety or state of mind is equally delusional. If we use the analogy of our minds being an organisation. A great organisation weathers the storm by creating and reinforcing an environment that allows for catastrophes. A great organisation has a great culture because the leaders are simply awesome. They communicate well and treat their staff like they’re important. That’s because staff are important. Without them, managers and leaders would have to do all the work themselves. The people who truly enjoy life, have created the internal environments that promote enjoyment. If your mind was an organisation, would you want to work for yourself or would you be looking for another job with a better leader. In light of the pandemonium that’s gripping the world and people fighting over toilet paper, I’d say there are alot of lousy organisations in the world.
On Monday, Amani complained that rich kids get opportunities to develop their skills because their parents can afford to pay for coaching. As the nutty redhead says “please explain”, after reminding him that he had a few lessons to correct this batting technique. Unconvinced, he continued to lament about being disadvantaged. Like the great John McEnroe used to declare when he wanted to distract his opponent, “you can not be serious!” Ok, so I’ll admit, there wasn’t alot of money in my bank account. After all it went to pay for the petrol to power the modest sedans that drove him to all the opportunities, he didn’t get. Then there are the exorbitant sport fees, which when you represent Victoria in 2 sports and have to travel interstate, add up. Add to this representative football, basketball and cricket and all the domestic teams he played for. It’s clear that, the poor boy was hard done by. But like a classic Demtel ad, “But wait there’s more, call now and in the next 60 seconds you’ll get to pay for all the uniforms, bags, equipment, shoes and boots”. As you can imagine, I was playing the world’s largest violin in consolation. For myself that is! LOL!!!! My son, as you remind me you’re an adult now, take responsibility for yourself. Yes, I fucked up but the cream always rises to the top. You are not some disadvantaged child, despite having parents with very little. Consult your friend’s resumes and compare them with yours. Even the creme da la creme will struggle to compete, if at all.
You may be thinking I obviously have a cruisey existence. I don’t. I’m essentially homeless, living at the mercy of my eldest son, who justifiably resents how I treated him in the past. He yells at me on a daily basis and reminds me that it’s house, despite it being filled with all the furniture I bought and paid for. He deliberately makes a mess and taunts me as I clean because he thinks, despite paying an equal share in everything that I need to earn my keep, cooking and cleaning. Last week he felt justified in throwing things at me including a sizeable compressed sleeping bag at my head, at close range. When i asked to borrow the $2400 gaming computer that I paid for to complete an assignment due in the next day, he flatly refused. He also felt justified in intimidating me for an hour, locking me in my room and hitting me with his sandals when I ignored his rude demands a few days later. Unfortunately, his behaviour has escalated to physical violence a week later so, I’m in the midst of packing. I am reminded of Crystal Gayle’s River Road song, I learnt at Mangakino Primary School ….. “Here I go once again,
With my suitcase in my hand,
And I’m running away down River Road,
And I swear, once again, that I’m never coming home,
I’m chasing my dreams down River Road”.
Walking the talk
I have no animosity towards my son. I understand his resentment but I do not condone his behaviour. He stated last Friday, that just because I had changed didn’t mean that I had a right to think that he shouldn’t be angry about the way he was treated. Fair call! The violence arose when he pretended to burn and cut Habbe (my Teddy bear) with a lighter and a pair of scissors. Naturally, I prevented him from doing so but, he began to hound me relentlessly. Threatening to burn my handwritten school bnotes and attempting to cut my hair. I stuck up for myself and yelled at him vociferously to fuck off. The worse thing I could’ve done, as he became angry and demanded I leave. I refused to budge so he tried to physically remove me by lifting the bed. He grabbed my purse and threw it outside onto the balcony. When I didn’t respond appropriately, he grabbed a couple of my coats and threw them near the front door.
I followed him and picked them up and he physically grabbed me forcibly. I had my back against the wall and he headbutted me. Retaliating I hit him with a broken wooden hanger, scratching him. Thus, he grabbed it and repeatedly struck me, claiming it was acceptable to use excessive force because that’s what he learnt in his security course. All the while, denying that he’d struck me and telling me I was lying about it. (Pause ….. I knew then he was completely irrational). Eventually, I broke free and walked back onto the bedroom. I started to take things out of my wardrobe and fold them, which instantly calmed me. He grabbed a number of hangers and threw them on the ground. As he did so, a hanger struck me in the head and he apologised for hitting me in the face with the hanger. He stood over me for several minutes, watching as I folded clothes and placed hangers into the washing basket.
Unfortunately, in the development of my sons’ “organisations”, I had been a lousy leader. I had created toxic and destructive environments. Mali turned up earlier today with his girlfriend’s little girl and I reprimanded him and Kyle for their appalling language and behaviour in front of her. Mali justified his behaviour by explaining she swears and is constantly threatened by her mother. Mentally, I recall exhibiting the same appalling behaviour, many years before. My friend Ana desperately wants more children and I told Mali that she’d be quite happy to take her and love her. Her hair is similar to mine and looked like a birds nest due to being fine, fly away and curly. She was a sweet little girl and despite not wanting a stranger so close to her, she cried but remained still. My heart went out to her because I recognised she, like my sons’ would be responsible for her parent’s behaviour.
Knowing not what we do!
Eckhart Tolle says that unconscious or insane behaviour isn’t actually a person’s responsibility at all. How? He says that “in an unconscious state, people know not what they do”. He adds further that people’s “pain bodies” once activated, tries to activate other people’s pain bodies. Yes it’s a case of misery loves company. The impact that the beer virus is having around the world and the reactionary response of hoarding, increased anxiety and anger is testament to this behaviour. Despite my predicament, I spent some time reading the media releases on health.gov.au, Australia’s Department of Health. Disappointingly, the website is useless and I realise that I’m going to need to cross reference with SARS, bird and swine flu to get an epistemological understanding of the viruses. Then I’ll look at what the medical experts have delivered so far. I’m thankful that I was trained well and have the skills to undertake research and capacity to discern between good and great scientific studies. The information isn’t necessary for myself but as a Health and Wellness Coach, I’m responsible for keeping people informed through the chaos.
Thus, sitting in the corner by the door, where there’s spare floor space, I know that in a sane conscious state we will always take responsibility for ourselves. However, there are few enlightened beings that are able to do so 24/7. After many years of allowing other people to be responsible for my behaviour, I will take my own advice. After all as I emphatically end all of my videos with, tapping my forehead “If you don’t have it here, you don’t have it anywhere!”
BE CALM BE WELL BE HEALTHY