I’m living life as if I’m going to die. This for me is the meaning of freedom!


If you want to follow something. Follow the sun.

If you want to lead something. Walk a dog.

If you want to join something. Then join me and, share in the responsibility of being selfless. By selfless, I’m not talking about giving all that you have and are to people, who will take from you and exploit you. I can say, that doesn’t work.

What I mean by selfless, is the relinquishing of the small human mind that views everybody and everything as a problem. The persecutory mind that judges all things, including oneself. The selfish mind that fears judgement from others and stifles creativity and opportunity to prevent judgement. Again, I can say, that doesn’t work. The scared mind that hides cowering for fear of detection and admonishment, suppressing who you are for fear of retribution. Yep, that doesn’t work either. 

Fear is a Pavlovian response to external stimuli or more simply, we learn to be afraid. We’re threatened as children to behave in a certain manner and any deviation, results in punishment. Quickly, children learn to be afraid and soon we teach others to be afraid. We soon graduate to comparing ourselves to others and feeling valueless in comparison. Then, to demonstrate our prowess, we learn to flay ourselves mercilessly for every perceived mistake we make. Finally, as fully fledged masters we no longer require reminders to be afraid and, we simply are. I’ve just described my entire life in a paragraph. The difference is now, I smile nonchalantly.

Now the fear that I witness in others makes me laugh. Laugh? I still have a habitual emotional and physical reaction to fear. Fear is a powerful energy that insidiously infects the environment. Think mob mentality. Thus, where once other people’s fear would’ve generated fear within myself, it is now immediately reconfigured into joy. Hence the laughter. Think, Monsters Inc, laughter is 4 times more powerful than scream. I love Monsters Inc.

I'm living as if I'm going to die! 

Do I still experience bouts of anger and thus fear? I have angry thoughts without the accompanying physical emotional response, which I now step back from and examine. Today I awoke with a thought of anger about a specific person, which I acknowledged because the thought has validity. However, instead of following it down a rabbit hole and immersing myself in the thought, I discard it to be dealt with more appropriately. Or so I thought. The thoughts generally remind me that I have unpleasant matters to deal with but, the fear isn’t mine. The fear belongs to the person who I was thinking of and unfortunately, in this particular matter, there are dire consequences for the constant repetitive and unprofessional conduct. That’s another story in the telling.

Subsequent to writing the above paragraph, I left to meet with my brother Hiku, as has become customary each morning. I told him that he needed to have the second vaccine shot and he erupted in anger. Consequences for not dealing with emotions and thoughts when they arise. Lesson learned! How so? The angry thought I’d had earlier, pertained to the person classified (the word is used deliberately) as being Hiku’s case manager. My brother’s anger arose because he thought I was making him have another drug similar to the depot shot that he receives fortnightly. He has a psychological aversion to the medication and espouses erroneous beliefs, due to having schizoaffective disorder. As alluded to earlier, this is another story in the telling.

I alighted the tram with Hiku and walking back the way we’d travelled, I calmly reminded him that I’m on his side and that he’d slotted me in with the people who treat him for schizoaffective disorder. He finally understood that he had to take the vaccine because his not taking it, would be used against us, read me, as evidence that I think I know better than the treating team. The fact that I do is meaningless because I lack psychiatric qualifications. I myself have zero interest in covid, let alone the vaccine and I will not be taking the vaccine unless I need too. Read, if it becomes necessary to travel. Many may be affronted by my non-compliance but, covid is not the worse disease in the world. Greed is and, its taxpayers that are footing the bill for everything that occurs. More importantly, non-communicable disease ie heart disease, stroke and diabetes mellitus are far more severe and deadly. The covid lifestyle contributes greatly to this but, again this is another story in the telling. My brother and I held hands, chatting amicably until we reached Port Junction where my bicycle was tethered. An indigenous brother greeted us and we exchanged pleasantries before I turned and rode back to my Southbank apartment.

The moral of this story is simple, deal with emotions and thoughts and dispense of any antipathy immediately and wisely. How? I examine the thoughts and emotions and, determine the veracity of them. All thoughts and emotions spawned by habit and or anger and thus, fear are generated by mental power and dissipate quickly. Any thought or emotion that lingers for me are joyous and I’m happy to stay with them but, they too can lead me down a rabbit hole of bliss, which detracts me from all the work that I need to do. After all, I’m not Rita Skeeter with a quick notes quill that will write the words I think. Yes, I’m an ardent Harry Potter fan too and, finished watching all the videos early hours of yesterday morning.

This is what I’ve come to learn and know. Freedom is the knowledge that I can be who I am without fear of reprisal, from myself. Knowing this means the misjudgements from chained persecutory minds is no longer a concern. I no longer mind how am I am perceived or received. I know that there are unpleasant challenges ahead, such as a 17000 word assignment which I’ve been avoiding all year because I lack a research question (this pertains to a business masters that I’m undertaking). Unlike the past when I would run and bury my head in the sand or, look the other way and pray that nobody would see me. Now I face challenges with calm alacrity. Constant fear has been replaced with constant joy that is often only on simmer. However, for most of my life, it existed as a pilot light, constantly in danger of going out. Commitment phobia has diminished, as I know I’m not getting out of this alive. Thus, I’m living as if I’m going to die! What? When faced with imminent death, inconsequential rubbish is meaningless and, people tend to focus on what’s important. This differs for everyone but, my focus is trusting what I know. Sorry, I meant world peace, saving humanity and being adored by all. Yeah right, in my dreams! Suffice to say, this the meaning of freedom!

Fear is a mental manipulation, so too is freedom. the secret formula to freedom is facing your fears and neutralising them!
Freedom is a recipe, the ingredients are of your choosing. However, the process often requires fear.

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